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Monthly Archives: December 2013

Relieving the Package…

 

From Sherlock Holmes Esq to Dr J Watson:

My dear Chap! – how can I ever apologise for my behaviour in this instance….I know it will be scarce excuse for this unacceptable lapse of concentration, but I can only proffer it as an explanation, although you will doubtless deem it as unforgivable and I will be attempting to make up for it for years to come….Anyhow, all I can do is offer it up for your consideration, and take my punishment like a man.

The very hour I was due to relieve you of The Package, in fact as I was in the act of opening the front door of 221B, who did I find on the doorstep but our old chum Stevenson, who, elated at finishing his latest scribbling, was ready to open the door to Abandon and Licentiousness – “Come, you old dog, you! – let’s paint the town Red! – let’s fly in the face of Decorum and frequent the seedier side of this steaming cess-pit you call Home! – let’s float on the fumes of the Orient and commune with The Green Fairy!” – he let further ramblings issue from his lips, but by this point, my carefully-suppressed urges had broken free from their self-imposed shackles, and the next thing I remember was waking up next to the Drayman’s Nag with the most frightful hammering and pounding in what passed for my brain.

I do not tell you this in the hope of eliciting sympathy – it is merely by explanation. I did not even know how many days and nights had elapsed, but from your response, I can see it must have been a few. Again, I can only apologise, and hope you will eventually forgive my lapse. In answer to why the Desk Sergeant omitted to tell me what had transpired, I believe his concentration was distracted somewhat by your good lady’s deshabillement.

I will be with you forthwith. SH. 

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Posted by on December 9, 2013 in Detective Fiction

 

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In the Psychiatrist’s Chair…

From Dr Watson to Sherlock Holmes Esq:

Holmes,
Considering the dire warnings you delivered regarding the package on my living room table, I am somewhat perturbed that you appear to have completely forgotten the fact that you were supposedly “on your way” to my abode to (presumably) deal with the situation! The last few days might have been considerably less traumatic for me had you actually bothered to appear. As it is, I have been involved in a living nightmare!!!

The details (just so you might appreciate my distress when you do eventually arrive here) are thus:

Having received your dire warning, I naturally retreated to the Water Closet for safety until you arrived. When the doorbell rang, I naturally supposed it was your good self, so was rather taken aback when two Eastern European villains barged into my house and bundled  me into a sack. I spent the next several hours being bumped around hither and thither as they loaded me onto some sort of cart, which then delivered me onto what I later discovered was a cargo ship bound for Kurdistan.

It was only my own sense of survival that had prompted me to tuck my trusty service revolver into my undergarments before retreating to the toilet that allowed me to eventually escape my captors at gunpoint. I then managed to persuade the Captain (one Seamus O’Plopp) that he had been wrongly commissioned by a bunch of crooks and persuaded that I was some sort of serial killer who had to be transported back to my own country for trial and execution! To cut a very long story rather short (I will reveal the sordid details later), I and the Captain managed to overpower the gang and turn the ship around.

Lestrade thankfully took the miscreants into custody (I’m surprised you didn’t hear of the matter from the desk sergeant) and also managed to inveigle his way into their plans, which apparently were to kidnap and murder the infamous English detective Sherlock Holmes! I think perhaps we had better look into this matter a little further, as it bears the hallmarks of our old adversary Professor Moriarty.

I look forward to seeing you and accepting your apology, and am especially looking forward to your dealing with the apparently dangerous package that is still sitting on my living room table…

Watson

 
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Posted by on December 8, 2013 in Detective Fiction

 

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Dances with Holmes

From Sherlock Holmes Esq to Dr J Watson:

Watson – With my accustomed perspicacity, I deduced that your lack of communication must signal some lowering of spirits, and cognisant as I am of your marital situation, it did not take much investigation on my part to find the cause.

As I was making my way home late last night from visiting my brother Mycroft, I happened to pass a large and somewhat loud mob of what seemed to be persons of the lower classes, made up in the most part of the male persuasion, somewhat the worse for wear and alcohol, thronging round some questionable attraction; on wending my way closer to this spectacle, I found that it was none other than your good lady, providing a demonstration of the new dance craze from The Continent – The Can-Can; using her customary initiative, she had modified the routine slightly by omitting certain key elements – namely, undergarments; naturally, the Crowd were somewhat displeased when I waded in to their midst and removed the object of their attentions; and I have to admit that my ministrations were similarly underappreciated by the Performer herself.

However, as you know where my loyalties lie, I simply shut my ears to her litany of threats and profanities, and presented her to the Sergeant on Desk Duty, requesting that he let Inspector Lestrade know of her Admission.

I will be round presently with news which hopefully will provide some welcome distraction from your present brown mood – we are off to Balmoral!

Your friend, SH.

 
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Posted by on December 7, 2013 in Detective Fiction

 

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