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Monthly Archives: February 2014

Conan Doyle the Barbarian…

From Sherlock Holmes Esq to Dr J Watson:

Watson  –  I am sorry to drag you away from whatever delights your good lady wife has arranged for this weekend, but I regret to inform you that we have been summoned urgently to that new edifice of ridiculousness (Royal Albert’s Folly it should have been called…) by various dignitaries, to the aid of that Bungler, Conan Doyle, who has got himself in to yet another pickle….this time involving several rather large gentlemen of massive brawn, various items of equipment, and a performing dog.

I believe he was on the Judging Panel of that pointless exercise staged therein, to the raucous delight and hysterical glee of the lowest orders of Society, who have flocked from far and wide, to goggle and marvel at acres of rippling, well-oiled muscle, bulging biceps and tendons a-torqued, as the participants strive and strain to be crowned “Strong-man of The Year”.

Thinking aside, perhaps you should bring your good lady along, as it sounds just her cup of tea; then again, we require no Extra dilemmas to solve, therefore make sure you breathe not a word to her of your destination.

Awaiting your arrival, your friend, slightly peeved,

SH.

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Posted by on February 28, 2014 in Detective Fiction

 

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When the Horse has Boulted…

From Dr Watson to Sherlock Holmes Esq:

Dear Holmes

It seems that my foray into the world of film is over as quickly as it began – it turns out that the Boultings merely wanted me ‘on board’ in order to completely trash my version of our adventures and turn us into a pair of comedic buffoons. Naturally I told them where they can stick their ridiculous ideas (though I did add that if that famous actor Basil Rathbone is ever interested, they should by all means get back in touch, but only if my role can be taken by someone like Laurence Olivier or Stanley Baker – I have no wish to be portrayed by some muddling old fool like Nigel Bruce – that would be a travesty!)

Anyway, great news about old Hennery – I shall be round as soon as I’ve persuaded Mrs Watson to unzip me from my costume (we attended a rather sordid 24-hour party yesterday and were persuaded to turn up as Mae West and John Wayne (naturally, I was Mae West –  you wouldn’t believe some of the requests I had!)

Soon

Watson

 
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Posted by on February 17, 2014 in Detective Fiction

 

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The Moon’s a Balloon…

From Sherlock Holmes Esq to Dr J Watson:

Watson

You can lick your wounds later – we have more pressing matters at hand – I have just received an urgent summons from our old friend, Hennery Baskerville – he believes himself to be in imminent danger, from tonight’s Full Moon and urges us to join him at Baskerville Hall. Are you up for it, or has your wife made plans (being an aficionado of this ridiculous new Celebration…whose name I cannot bring myself to inscribe….)?

If you are able to join me, call round at your soonest convenience…Hudson has made a confection in honour of the day…she is a hopeless Romantic, as you know (I believe it involves Parma Violets, Sugared Almonds and a creature, supposedly Cupid, hovering over a naked Female Form). That should be sufficient to draw you round.

Your rather nauseous,

Friend,

SH.

 
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Posted by on February 15, 2014 in Detective Fiction

 

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Not Really in the Belly of the Beast…

From Dr Watson to Sherlock Holmes Esq:

Dear Holmes

No doubt you are sitting at your window in Baker Street reading an account of my ‘adventures’ as penned by some idiot journalist, and laughing your diamond-patterned socks off at this very minute. Well, I would call you an absolute boundah, cad and scoundrel of the first degree if I was the sort of chap to do that. But I’m not, so I won’t. However, I do think you might have troubled yourself a little to let me know what was actually going on and saved me the embarrassment of recent days.

As you know, the ‘kidnapped’ scenario with my so-called friend Stevenson, was in fact nothing of the sort, but an ill-fashioned attempt by Stevenson himself and those people at Charter Film Productions to knock together some sort of ridiculous adventure featuring the infamous Sherlock Holmes and his rather stupid friend, Doctor Watson. Well, perhaps we both could have had a laugh about it if we’d both known. As it happens, I knew nothing until one of the stage hands employed to ‘shoogle’ the ‘boat’, happened to mistake his footing and fall through the scenery which gave the game away somewhat.

Stevenson, of course was very apologetic and admitted immediately to his part in the proceedings (writing what he likes to call the script) and I was then invited to spent some considerable time with those boundahs the Boulting Brothers (Roy and Johnny) in an attempt to work out how to ‘make good’ their appalling behaviour.

Well, Holmes, it might interest you to know, as you sit in your socks, smirking at my apparent stupidity, that Messrs Roy and John have actually given Stevenson the boot and offered me an interesting position as a consulting screen writer in the production of a series of adventure films based on the Adventures of Sherlock Holmes (you may have heard of it – a reasonably successful booklet I penned based on our own exploits). The films are to feature two of the team’s regular actors to play you and I: the rather lovely John Le Mesurier is to play me and the extraordinarily polite Ian Carmichael is taking the role of your good self. I think they will do rather well, don’t you?

So, Holmes, I do hope your smirk has vanished as I sit here drinking excellent tea at the Cafe Royal and sharing Jammy Dodgers with Terry Thomas (Moriarty), Dennis Price (Lestrade) and Irene Handl (Mrs Hudson). I expect The Times will shortly be running my new column detailing my work with the studio – you may find it interesting.

If you should care to call on me later today, I expect to be home sometime after ten this evening, as Mrs Watson and I are attending the premier of the Boulting’s latest offering – I’m Alright Jack. (I expect Peter Sellers will want to spend some time chatting with me about his next project…)

Watson

 
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Posted by on February 14, 2014 in Detective Fiction

 

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